The First Man by Alex Kelly 💕 Book Blitz & Gift Card Giveaway 💕 (M/M Contemporary Romance)

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Shane

Do you want to know what it means to live like me?

It means being forced not to look at him, not to touch him, not to be left alone in the same room as him.

Not to seek him out. Not to want him.

Not to love him.

Do you know how it feels to spend your entire life pretending to be someone else? Do you know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved?

I’ll tell you how it feels.

It feels as if you’re living in constant torment: you know which path you should follow, but you also know that, if you follow that path, you can never turn back.

And I can’t do that to him.

Every day I come back, because I know that he’s waiting for me.

Every day I promise him that he will never have to live without me.

Andy

Do you know what it means to live like me?

It means being forced not to touch him, not to kiss him, not to be able to leave the room while he’s still in it.

Not to breathe him in, not to lust after him.

Not to love him.

Do you know how it feels to spend your entire life pretending to be someone else? Do you know what it’s like to love the only person you’re not allowed to love?

I’ll tell you how it works.

You can’t seem to feel anything other than him; when you walk away, you know that you’re turning your back on the only thing that’s good in your life.

Yet you still walk away.

Every day I leave, knowing that he will be standing there, watching.

Every day I ask him to promise me that I will never have to live without him.

He steps closer, forcing me to take a few steps back. He storms into the pub, slamming the door closed behind us. He looks like he hasn’t slept at all. His beard is straggly, and he’s still wearing my shirt.

“We’re alone,” he says, his breath heaving. “Alone.”

“Shane…”

He moves quickly and loops his hand around the back of my neck. “We’re alone,” he says, moving his face closer to mine. “And I want you.” He pushes his mouth against me. “I want you, Andy.” His other hand is behind my neck, now, too. “Don’t send me away.” His fingers weave their way into my hair. “Don’t make me beg,” he says, holding me tightly against him. I couldn’t move away, even if I wanted to. “Because I’m ready to do it,” he says, throwing himself against me like a raging storm you hope will never let up. I’d rather drown in his waves than live another minute on this life raft, in the middle of the ocean.

I want to drown inside him, and never come back to the surface.

Shane’s kisses are my salvation and my ruin. They’re messy and passionate, painful and tender, strong yet weak.

Shane’s kisses are land and sea, my refuge and my destruction; they’re my worst nightmare and the dream I never want to wake up from.

Shane’s kisses are my end and my beginning.

Shane’s kisses are the only thing I open my eyes for every morning.

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I always turn up at just the wrong moment. I never know how to make the most of a situation; I don’t know the right thing to say, or when I should come or go.

Let’s just say I have really shit timing.

I’m not a smart guy. I don’t have great ideas.

I’m practical, a hard worker; someone who lives for his family, and for the air that she breathes.

It’s just a shame that the “she” in question never knew this. It’s a shame that I waited all these years to make my move. It’s useless to tell you, readers, that it was already too late; that I’d screwed everything up, once again. And, this time, my mistakes forced her to come home.

Except she didn’t want to stay.

And now she hates me – or maybe she doesn’t. I still haven’t worked out what’s going on between us, but like I said, I’m not the sharpest tool in the box. And even though this could be my last chance, I’m not going to be the one to ask her to stay. Not even if she turns out to be the one I’ve always waited for.

Because she doesn’t belong in this place.

And she doesn’t belong in my life.

My name is Alex Brennan, and this is my story: of how I realised I’d lost the most important person in my life, before I even had her.